Monday, February 4, 2013

Twisted Beyond Repair...or a Normal Psychological Phenomenon

Now, for you guys who are wondering 'Where the hell is last week's Nazran's Thursday'? Well, I got sick and down with a flu. So, all my plans were cancelled...unfortunately.

"Wah, a bit of flu also you cancel everything. You lack will power"

Yeah, yeah, sheesh...

Now, which brings me to the topic at hand. Have you ever wonder, who the heck is talking up there? Yeah, the "Wah, a bit of flu also you cancel everything. You lack will power". If you read my previous post, you'll see 'someone' questioning or commenting the points I'm writing. This 'person' will interject and give his own view out of nowhere. But then, you will ask.

"Isn't that you, Nazran?"

Here's the scary part.
It is and it is not.

"Wait, what the hell are you talking about?"

See? Told ya. It's an instinctive thing where some part of me will immediately interject or question the view I currently hold. Sometimes when I write, this 'person' came out natural. 

I don't know what is going on. I don't know it is a mere delusion or fantasy of mine or it is really true. That a 'person' exist in me who is me but acts and thinks kinda differently. You know, I really love making up my own quotes and whatnots but sometimes I wonder,

 "Where the heck do they came from?"

Because those quotes, some of them, contradicts my values and code of ethics, but 'I' made them. Then the question is, which 'I' made them? 

It's a blessing that currently I'm living alone in my apartment for almost 2 months now. Sure, isolation can be sad and depressing at times but this quite time is absolutely conducive for me to gather my own thoughts and somehow make sense of it.

It's not quite hard. I just close my eyes and think. Just talk within the walls of my mind. It was not surprising to hear 'someone' else replying to my thoughts. You know, like your conscious interacting with your. It's kinda surreal but I experienced it. You know what is scary?

There is more than one voice


But really, there are two distinctive personalities aside from my own. Upon further thought, both of them are apparent in my daily interactions without me knowing. It's like they took over my mind and projected their own personality. Which is why I have this 'personality fluctuations' as described by my friends though it is easily concluded as mood swings.

To help you out, so far this is how 'they' are

Male #1 aka Railzan Kurhna (I called him that. Anagram of Khairul Nazran)
Personality: Hard-headed social maverick who is overly outspoken and critical towards everything. His view of friends and love is farrrrrr off from mine. Kinda twisted. Very very very driven. 
How he differs from me: I'm not a social maverick. I DO conform to society whether I like it or not. I believe  I'm not as motivated as he is. And his views on love is kinda disturbing. 

Female #1 (yes a female. Aka Kanzaki Haruna)
Personality: A confident lady with a sheer amount of diligence. Very sharp and frank. Not much different from Railzan but she is much more gentle, almost motherly at times. Kinda sweet.
How she differs from me: She is a girl...duhhh

Wait, wait, wait. Isn't these your twithandle, Nazran? Are you sure you're not in your delusions?

Yes, both of Railzan and Kanzaki are my twithandle. I named them after it. I'm not sure if I'm in my delusions or not but the correlation of it is something I can't ignore. 

I can't help to think. Why do they exist? Why a male and female in somehow in my mind? I did read up on personalities and multiple personality disorder (Trust me, it is REALLY scary) and I found out that maybe...maybe them exist as a defense mechanism for my 'self'

Defense mechanism

In everyday life, your 'self' will be attacked by external factors. Sometimes, these factors are so strong that it forces the 'self' to make defense mechanisms.

If that is true, for what reason Railzan and Kanzaki exist to defend for?

My theory is they are the image of the person I wanted to be. I was bullied before and had the confidence level of a snail. I want to change the world but I'm afraid and scare to say a word to the public. I always wish to be more determined and diligent in everyday life. I always wanted to radiate warmth and hope to the people around me. Railzan and Kanzaki exist, somehow, because without me knowing it, I formed an image of myself in my mind of what I wanted to be

And day by day, I feel that sooner or later, I will be something like Railzan and Kanzaki. It's not actually copying their personality. It's becoming 'Nazran'. The true 'Nazran' that I have been suppressed for so long.

But have I reached that part yet?

"Hell no, man. More work to be done"
"But you can if you press on"

Talking to myself is weird. Definitely something wrong.
But hey, I learn something right?
Though it may not make sense but I wanted to share with you guys and get this thought of my chest.


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