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| Original Source of Picture: CptnDerp @ Deviant Art |
I woke up to my first ever panic attack ever since I came here; the first after a series of panic attacks before I got my long awaited acceptance letter from this same university. I remembered how I woke up at 2 in the morning - breath labored, body drenched in sweat and heart thumping- thinking about that dream I had moments before I woke up in this horrible state. I shook my head to clear off that lucid image of the nightmare and the sweet yet venomous sound that I wish not to hear.
Then, I slept again hoping that this is just a random event.
But it wasn't.
I can't remember clearly how many times I woke up. Was it three or four? I'm not sure. The point is, I didn't get much sleep yesterday. Every time I drift off to the depths of my own consciousness, I would wake up a hour later in a pile of sweaty clothes and heavy breaths. Again, haunted by that dream.
You might want to ask: "What kind of dream? Is there any kind of dream that can scare you shitless when in reality you are quite a strong person?"
Answer to that: Yes, there is.
I wrote a poem earlier this morning about being a man. That poem is in response to my panic attacks before. Men are humans. Humans are naturally weak. They are capable of breaking down and crying under pressure. However, humans are only naturally strong. They can prevail and strive under pressure too. It is just a mere choice
Back to the point, what did I dreamed of? Let's just say that I'm strong because I have important people in my life to support me through thick and thin. They are my life line and my reason to fight. What if, somehow, they slowly drift apart? No, not through death or anything abrupt. Just slowing fading away and disappearing no matter how hard you try to hold on. Like holding a fistful of sand and seeing it escape through the cracks between your fingers and when you open them, you can only see just a part of what it used to be.
I'm so far away currently and that by itself is daunting. Everyone I cared is at the other side of the Earth, around 16000km away. I can't see them in person so I need to keep in touch via technology. Soon, 'checking up' became sort of an obsession. I want to know how are you doing. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are doing fine.
Sure, I get busy and soon put it at the back of my mind. Honestly, I got over my waves of homesickness a little while ago and I thought that I was okay. But see, I didn't forget about it. I merely stash it away into the depths of my own subconsciousness.
If you have been reading this blog for a while, you might notice that I have this peculiar voice inside my head that is myself and also not myself (Confusing. Yeah, I don't know how it works too) but in a broader sense, I would like to think this voice as myself. Every time when I have my mind free from school and socializing, this voice started to wander, "Hey, I wonder what is he/she doing now?" That question soon escalate into a series of "What if"s. And we all know that 'what ifs' creates anxiety and fear.
That's how I (think) got my panic attack. I am the cause of it
But why?
I don't know for sure. Maybe it is because I choose to be insecure?
Heh.
Throughout my life, I have been struggling with myself without rest. I'm the cause of my success and I'm the cause of my failure. Kinda heavy of a burden eh? But yeah, that is how it is. I am my greatest enemy.
In this case, I choose to be afraid and anxious. Although technically I didn't, a part of me (Or a huge part of me) choose to do just that. To quote a certain failure of a Will Smith movie:
The danger is there but fear is a choice
Which brings me to another question: Will I be okay?
Hm.. tough one but generally, a big fat YES
As weird as it seems, I am better than myself. So, this time I choose to be brave instead.
End word: Always, always, always fight against your inner demons. You are your greatest enemy
