Wednesday, September 11, 2013

You, The Greatest Enemy

Original Source of Picture: CptnDerp @ Deviant Art

I woke up to my first ever panic attack ever since I came here; the first after a series of panic attacks before I got my long awaited acceptance letter from this same university. I remembered how I woke up at 2 in the morning - breath labored, body drenched in sweat and heart thumping- thinking about that dream I had moments before I woke up in this horrible state. I shook my head to clear off that lucid image of the nightmare and the sweet yet venomous sound that I wish not to hear.

Then, I slept again hoping that this is just a random event.

But it wasn't.

I can't remember clearly how many times I woke up. Was it three or four? I'm not sure. The point is, I didn't get much sleep yesterday. Every time I drift off to the depths of my own consciousness, I would wake up a hour later in a pile of sweaty clothes and heavy breaths. Again, haunted by that dream.

You might want to ask: "What kind of dream? Is there any kind of dream that can scare you shitless when in reality you are quite a strong person?"

Answer to that: Yes, there is.

I wrote a poem earlier this morning about being a man. That poem is in response to my panic attacks before. Men are humans. Humans are naturally weak. They are capable of breaking down and crying under pressure. However, humans are only naturally strong. They can prevail and strive under pressure too. It is just a mere choice

Back to the point, what did I dreamed of? Let's just say that I'm strong because I have important people in my life to support me through thick and thin. They are my life line and my reason to fight. What if, somehow, they slowly drift apart? No, not through death or anything abrupt. Just slowing fading away and disappearing no matter how hard you try to hold on. Like holding a fistful of sand and seeing it escape through the cracks between your fingers and when you open them, you can only see just a part of what it used to be.

I'm so far away currently and that by itself is daunting. Everyone I cared is at the other side of the Earth, around 16000km away. I can't see them in person so I need to keep in touch via technology. Soon, 'checking up' became sort of an obsession. I want to know how are you doing. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are doing fine.

Sure, I get busy and soon put it at the back of my mind. Honestly, I got over my waves of homesickness a little while ago and I thought that I was okay. But see, I didn't forget about it. I merely stash it away into the depths of my own subconsciousness.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you might notice that I have this peculiar voice inside my head that is myself and also not myself (Confusing. Yeah, I don't know how it works too) but in a broader sense, I would like to think this voice as myself. Every time when I have my mind free from school and socializing, this voice started to wander, "Hey, I wonder what is he/she doing now?" That question soon escalate into a series of "What if"s. And we all know that 'what ifs' creates anxiety and fear.

That's how I (think) got my panic attack. I am the cause of it

But why?

I don't know for sure. Maybe it is because I choose to be insecure?


Throughout my life, I have been struggling with myself without rest. I'm the cause of my success and I'm the cause of my failure. Kinda heavy of a burden eh? But yeah, that is how it is. I am my greatest enemy.

In this case, I choose to be afraid and anxious. Although technically I didn't, a part of me (Or a huge part of me) choose to do just that. To quote a certain failure of a Will Smith movie:

The danger is there but fear is a choice

Which brings me to another question: Will I be okay?

Hm.. tough one but generally, a big fat YES

As weird as it seems, I am better than myself. So, this time I choose to be brave instead.

End word: Always, always, always fight against your inner demons. You are your greatest enemy

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Hello Murica!

This is the infamous UMich Bell Tower. Nice right? ITS HAUNTED!
Hello people of the internet! After going through a month of emotional rollercoaster, homesickness and 'kejutan kultural', I am back writing in my now-filled-with-cobwebs personal blog. Kinda weird because I always update my poetry blog but I never had the chance/time to invest idea and creative energy into my beloved nazranvision.

Anyways, I'm in 'Murica. No idea where it is? Okay, I shall speak it more clearly.


Yes, people. Finally, I'm in United States; land of obesity, the dollar bill and 90% of the western artiste you guys worship on daily basis. Specifically, I'm in the town of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Where is that you might ask? It is 5 hours north of Chicago. Where is Chicago you ask? It is 7 hours east of New york. Where is New York you ask? For god's sake, get an atlas!


Anyway, the journey to Ann Arbor, Michigan took around 30 hours including transit, travelling more than 11 hundred miles (Yeah, American system!) and 7 full-length movies...and sleep. 

Why am I here? To party and pick up chicks, of course!
jk, I'm studying in the University of Michigan. College of LSA, majoring in Economics and planning to double major in Psychology too...or a double degree in business. We shall see how the future unfolds.

It has been almost two weeks here and I like my experience so far. Generally, the people here are more sociable and open to others. Their service is great too. Friends, a plenty though I have trouble finding a genuine close friend yet. (Come on, baru dua minggu. Chill) 

Parties? I've been to a few. Well, duh, not frat or sorority parties with alcohol and weed bongs and orgies. Normal parties with people and music and free finger food that is not actually filling. Parties play an important social aspect of life as a student here. Miss them, then your experience will suck. It is just like mamak sessions in Malaysia...though they don't really carried away until 4am.

How about studies? Well, can't really say much because today is my first day of class. So far, it is enjoyable. Finally taking up Japanese this time. (Yes! Akiba, here I come~~~) Also taking English writing because they don't accept 'Malaysia-standard English. (Heh, good what. Grammar perfect some more. You all is no nothing of this) And last but not least, Calculus II

*cue frightening music*

Yes, I'm not the brightest one for maths and stuff. My basics suck balls but one thing I do enjoy about math is the dissection of normal everyday concepts into numbers and graphs and functions and further dissecting it. It is like looking into the universe around us....naked. 


But I think I can bear with it. Come on, it is 'just' 13 credits. <--Future Nazran won't approve of this. I bet you.

Anyway, I'm finally here. I won't lie when I see I miss Malaysia. I miss the food there. (Seriously, I'm turning into a rabbit here. Salads everytime) I miss the sights. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my Sam. I miss my Panda. I miss my Kyou and Emma (I love you, babe. Please ship yourself to me T_T)

But life goes on. This is a new chapter. A new beginning. A clean slate for me to spray whatever color paint I wish. Total freedom is a gift but also a burden. I'm confident that I will survive this experience 16000 km away from home (Metric system, I miss you) where toilets have no water bidets (I miss you too, bidets) with nothing but a scroll in hand
...and maybe a slight accent