Thursday, March 28, 2013

In The Face of Fear


is a curious emotion isn't it? Not only it is subjective, like some people thinks ghosts are scary while others think clowns make them piss in their pants, it is only a very sophisticated emotion. When I say sophisticated, I mean it is an amalgamation of different emotions, amounting to an emotion of large magnitude; such emotion that simply went out of control and there is nothing you can do about it.

People grow to hate fear. Fear is a sign of negativity. Fear roots us into place and basically shuts down all our rational thoughts as we tremble and cry like a baby. Fear makes us weak, worthless, powerless and feel turdier than the turdiest of the turds. It is an apparent problem, fear.

Because of that, mankind developed ways to counter fear. Meditation, prayers, motivational talks, quotes and of sorts. The "Anda Hebat! Jangan takut!" and "Fear is nothing for me." of pompous guys in suit talking in an airconditioned ballroom. Combating fear is a big deal as fear has been shown in history to be a potent killer of kings, cities and civilizations.

But is fear that bad?

Not really.
Fear is also an essential part of our evolution. Without fear, we would know no danger and will be extinct as a species faster than you can say "F U evolutionist!" The fear of getting hurt, for example, made us create protection to safeguard us. The fear of dying made think twice before doing any acts. The fear of getting last in exams made us study harder. Yes, fear is a great motivator. What else is better to keep you running than a huge scary beast on your tail?

But it doesn't change that fear is scary. Most of mankind succumbed to fear, defeated in its fangs and surrendering their fates to the unknown. They are rooted in place and incapable of moving forward. These humans are alive but they are dead inside. They were thrown into a stasis induced by fear.

And that, my readers, is what happened to me today.

I woke up in the morning to see a rejection letter from my most favorable university today. And that makes the third university not able to give me admission. The instant that fact hit me, it like all the hope, joy and optimism are drained from me. Different from my rejection from UChicago where I didn't feel anything, this time all those emotions came to me in lump sum basis. And as you would have guessed it, the dominant emotion is no other than fear.

I was scared shitless. As soon as my eyes traced the 'not accepted' part of my admission decision, I closed my laptop and stared at the ceiling. The air cond was off but I was shivering. My mind went blank but one thing: FEAR. It was icy cold, hence my shivering. It overwhelmed me and I didn't move from staring at the ceiling for quite a while. I showered and get ready for college by autopilot basis. Fear clouded my mind that I  can't even think.

The only thing that come to mind is the worst case scenario of not getting any university and witness my future crumbled into dust. That thought alone is enough to send me spiraling into the pits of despair where hope goes to die.

Throughout all that, my other personality tried to snap me out of it. Railzan came out with rationalization and logic of the situation, trying to make sense of the situation and putting it in an somewhat optimistic way. Kanzaki tried to be optimistic and pumped in hope into my disturbed mind. Even so, in this state of mind, I could barely hear them, let alone project them.

And I was alone...

And I'm afraid...

Yes, after a pretty long streak of fearlessness. From performing in PICC, to taking SPM, to SPM results day, to various scholarships interviews, to ADP finals, to SAT, to TOEFL, where I didn't feel an ounce of fear, only nervousness, finally today I was given fear in the purest form ever.

And I'm rooted in place.

But fret not my readers as I can still look up...
And hope that I came out from this fear
And be a stronger man than before

Sunday, March 24, 2013

When You Keep On Going


This is a post about League of Legends. Yes, the MOBA game that took the world by storm although DotA purist saw it as an act of blasphemy, condemning LoL by calling it 'kiddie', 'bad graphics', 'game for noobs,' 'League of Lesbians' etc.

But this post is not about the actually game of LoL. It is about the people who play LoL, specifically my two brothers.

Unfortunately, I can't get the hold of a good picture of those two but whatever.

My brothers are HUGE LoL addicts. When I say addicts, I meant REAL LEGIT ADDICTS. They would play on average 7 games a day (approx 3-4 hours) even during school days. Heck, my youngest brother played it during his UPSR! (And he even got 5As for it) Weekends are worse, they would be glued to the computer from day until the wee hours of the night. They would eat in in front of their computers during breakfast, lunch and dinner, missing on the joy of eating together with family. Raya? Balik kampung? Beach please, they packed their laptops and play at the kampung without giving a finger to anyone around.


You think my parents (and I) were okay with that? Well, at first it was kinda worrying. I did gave them advice to tone down on the playing a little. I mean, I do play LoL too (Ehem Silver 1 Division ehem) as a casual player, balancing my hectic of a lifestyle with LoL. I highlight the value of balance and not give their all into 'just a game'.

But do they care?

They just kept on playing.

And they never turn back.

Hours turn to days
Days turn to weeks
Weeks turn to months
And they climb the social hierarchy on the LoL community. They had established their name as the 'pro AD carry' and the 'OP top laner' of LoL SEA. In the game ranking system, they climbed day by day until they are both at the top 10% of the community.

Not before long, they made their own team and thus began their formal training session as a team. They started to fight other teams, most of them far more established than them, gaining experience and insights on how to be better. They started to immerse themselves into the game, the very core of the game itself. Meta-games, character builds, niche strategies, playing techniques, all of it my brothers read and read and read from the internet. Most normal teenagers would talk about football players and teams. But them? They talk about professional LoL players and teams. The way they discussed LoL over the dinner table was exactly like how normal teens talk about football over teh tarik.

Such dedication sometimes took me aback. They were fighting for something. They have a reason to fight. A reason to keep on playing. I was an outsider and I don't know the reason of their fighting spirit.

Yesterday, I finally knew.


Now, isn't that simple? They just want to win. But win what? To win tournaments and hopefully find themselves in the Season Three finals where all the pro players compete for the grand prize of millions of dollars.

Did they managed to do it?


Yesterday, they went for a tournament. They win flawlessly for every single game they play, pwning their opponents into pieces with scores of 28-3 alikes. They managed to get into the final where they met the strongest team in Malaysia: the team Malaysia itself, KL Hunters. In an intense 30 minutes games, they lost although they had a pretty good start. (One of my brothers actually beat a KL Hunter guy in lane!) Although they lost, they still ended up second and went home with RM1000 in their bank accounts. But that is not the best reward. The best reward is:

Qualification to the Spring Finals

Spring Finals is the tournament where all the winners of the past tournaments will face off to see who will represent Malaysia in the Season 3 Finals aka the World Cup.

Their dream came true, partially but it made such an impact to the rest of us. They prove to us that you can achieve great success in anything, even games, it is just a matter of passion, determination and hard work.

It made me think...
Isn't this an enough proof to show that you need to find something you truly love to achieve success?
Good enough I guess.

So, meanwhile, let's hope they will do great in the Spring Finals.
For us, let's search deep into ourselves and reflect!

4MoD. My brothers are the one with grey sweater (Izzan,17) and the one with the One Piece shirt (Amirin, 13)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

RNK Infamous Pep Talk: SPM


Nazranvision is back after a violent attack from some malware which causes nazranvision to crash. Thank god yours truly is such a great guy who calmly assess the situation....and google the solution. That aside, today's topic will be about the day most SPM kids feared the most: RESULT DAY. In response to that, we, Railzan, Nazran and Kanzaki, at nazranvision would like to give you a fiery pep talk that will burn your spirit so much that your whole body will be getting third degree burns

So, results day is tomorrow. The dreaded day that induced rapid spams of "Cuak ar sial!" "Ya Allah, nervousnya." "Mati ar aku esok" at various social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, instagram, Myspa-wait, no one uses My______ anymore.

The point is, day in, day out, my newsfeed and timeline were filled by such pessimism and hopelessness that the worst is and will be coming tomorrow. As if thousands of students will be getting their death sentence an innocent white slip of paper printed with cheap ink that made receipt ink look expensive.

The thing is, what is there to fear?
The SPM results itself?

Now ask yourself this: Is SPM = Success in life?
Maybe. You may conclude as SPM is one of the indicator for scholarships and university applications. But it is the ONLY factor.

Consider this situation:
A got straight A+ for SPM. A secured a Kijang Emas scholarship. A becomes complacent and thinks he is so smart that he stopped trying so hard. A failed his first A-levels test. A was sent into a depression and his grades plunges. A started to smoke, do drugs and drink. A was axed from university. A become a sad old man.

And this situation

A did get straight A for SPM. B didn't secured any scholarship. B went into normal university. B didn't care to study. B started to smoke, do drugs and drink. B was axed from university. B become a sad old man.

The difference between A and B is their SPM results but at the end of the day, they arrived at a common point. They both FAILED. What accounts to their failure in life? THEMSELVES

You see kids, SPM is ultimately just a paper. It is not an indicator of your life, your future and your self. As you can see in A and B, what breaks them ultimately is not their SPM results; it is themselves. Whether or not your results is good or bad, just remember that it is just a piece of paper. Heck, even a degree and a freaking Masters is just a piece of paper. Maybe just more embellished than the cheap SPM result slip you guys will receive tomorrow.

And does a piece of paper dictates your life?
NO. It doesn't

Then, who dictates your life?

Yes, people. You have control in your life. You have control on how to react. You have control on where to go after receiving that dreaded slip. And to quote William Ernest Henley:

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

You are the master of your own fate. With that in mind, take those results with pride. Shed tears of joy or sadness and always remember, you're in control.

We, at nazranvision would like to say it again,

Sunday, March 17, 2013

To Feel or Not to Feel


I'll be frank to you guys and skip the whole intro. Today's post will all be about the feels. Yes, DA FEELS. If you think that you're not in the mood to feel 'DA FEELS', please return in another time.
Okay, moving on.

Lately, I have been going through an influx of FEELS, particularly negative feels. I don't know why but I say seeing all my other friends breaking down one by one somehow had its effect towards me. It peaked around last Wednesday when I suddenly lost any sort of motivation that usually drives me forward. The actual reason for this demotivation? NONE. Or unknown would be a better word.

 An interesting point of interest is that both Railzan and Kanzaki (especially Kanzaki) was projected less frequently. No more I feel the need to socialize or think deeply; I just want to be alone and wallow in pity.

Thankfully, I recovered as soon as I wallow in my own pity as if I had released something out from my inner thoughts. Such speedy recovery was because I rationalize my situation and told myself "Hey, why the heck you want to be moppy? You should not be sad or anything. like normal,"

And be like normal I did.

Then yesterday, around 5 am, I was greeted by an email with the label 'Important' on it. The title of the email: UChicago Admission Decision. I opened it, key in my log in ID and came out one elegant looking page. A brief glance and I saw a smart looking signature at the bottom corner. Must be official. The content of the page? Well, just this one sentence was sufficient to summarize it all.

Dear Khairul Nazran,
Thank you for applying to the University of Chicago. The Admissions Committee has reviewed your application, and due to the large number of highly qualified applicants, we regret that we are unable to offer you admission.

Now, bear in mind that this is my future I'm talking about here. One of my seven hopes of getting admissions to a US university, GONE. So much is that stake in this situation, including the worst case scenario: Scholarship revokement and that is the last thing I wish to happen.

So, can you guess what is my next course of action?
Wallow in despair?
Flip the table?
Asking the universe "Why me??!!!" while the camera zooming outwards?
Blame god?

Nope, I did none of that. Without even bothering to shut down the computer, I just pulled my covers and sleep soundly as if nothing future altering happened. I woke up a few hours later and saw the same page. And yet, I feel....nothing. No emotions. 

Why is that? I found myself rationalizing of why I should not be sad.

"You were not expecting much from them too."
"You did your freaking essay 5 hours before deadline. Of course you won't get in. Your fault so why should you be sad?"
"Oh, well. No more university for 12 years of bond."

Logically, I should not be sad. It is my fault. I didn't try hard enough. I am to bear the full consequences of my action. I know that this is just a grand scheme set up by God. Also, my friends also got the same reply, I must not be sad in respect to them. Hence, why should I be sad?

But it baffled me. Why am I not sad? I got emotional a few days back for no reason. I have a perfectly good reason to be sad now but why I am not sad? Then it hit me. I rationalize. That is why I'm not sad 

Rationalization. Logic. Two of the most powerful tool wielded by us humans. With this two in our hands, we catalyze progress and development and spearheaded towards a better world. With these two also, we can capable of suppressing our own  illogical emotions. But isn't that too good? Why can't we be wallowed in our emotions? It is a sin to actually get 'DA FEELS'?
Maybe it is a defense mechanism...
To protect me.
But for the time being, I shall refrain and keep this inside me. All the FEELS

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Wake Up!

Moe fun of the day


Now if I have your attention, lemme repeat myself. 


"Why wake up when I'm not even sleeping?" you may ask me. Exactly, but are you aware that you are aware as in, "Are you really awake?"

Wait, that doesn't make sense. The lights are on and I'm nothing but sleepy, again, you might said. However, I'm not talking about biological sleep as in the regular 'sleep' you are assuming. I'm taking about metaphorical sleep.
Damn, that didn't make sense either.

Let me rephrase that.


Before you can say "Hey, I'm not dreaming.", consider this. You woke up every morning. You stick with a usual routine: Get ready, Go to school/class/work, Come back, Sleep. Rinse and repeat, everyday like an endless clockwork. Everything is static and fixed. What should be there, must be there. This routine is not bad, heck it is sufficient for us. That is why we did not venture out from this routine and that is why we continue to stick into this cycle as it made sure our peaceful days would last. 

Doing so will put us into stasis. We would be running around in circles, viewpoints limited by our mundane routine and our expectation. We would like to believe that everything should be the same everyday. We would like to believe that the world is stagnant. We would like to believe that days of peace exist when we stay inside our comfort zone.



Rub your eyes. Change your glasses. Wear new contacts. Now see the world around you. What do you see? A normal scenery of everyday life I suppose. But look closely, scrutinize the people around you. What do you see? Most of the times, you will see frowns.

But why? Isn't days of peace is here, just like what I thought it is?

No, it does not

With you sticking with your routine, you overlook a bigger picture of today's world. Days of peace does not exist. The world is at war. Yes, you hear me right. The world is now in a full blown war. Weapons of mass destruction is being deployed. Some people realized this and started to take action immediately. Most people were oblivious to this, unfortunately. Panic is spreading, subtlety across the world. It won't take a genius to say that the world is not a safe place anymore.

But who is our enemy?

They are closer than you think.

Our enemy is in fact, ourselves

We told ourselves to overlook pressing problems of society and stick to a mundane and routine life. We told ourselves that there is no need to go beyond the scope of our routine. We told ourselves to stick to a cycle. And doing all the things above, we filter out bigger problems of the world and merely bask in blissful ignorance.

Wake up my friend.

Global warming is apparent
Rape, murder, suicide are common
Bullying is getting more and more serious
Depression and anxiety struck a huge percentage of the population but no action was taken.
World hunger is still a problem
Racism and discrimination 
Sex was given a golden pedestal reverting rational humans into beasts of desire

All of those are a small percentage of what is happening to the rest of the world. But do we give a fk? HELL NO


Time to wake up. See the problems of the world. And maybe contribute to solve it...
Or wake up your other friends