Thursday, March 28, 2013

In The Face of Fear

is a curious emotion isn't it? Not only it is subjective, like some people thinks ghosts are scary while others think clowns make them piss in their pants, it is only a very sophisticated emotion. When I say sophisticated, I mean it is an amalgamation of different emotions, amounting to an emotion of large magnitude; such emotion that simply went out of control and there is nothing you can do about it.

People grow to hate fear. Fear is a sign of negativity. Fear roots us into place and basically shuts down all our rational thoughts as we tremble and cry like a baby. Fear makes us weak, worthless, powerless and feel turdier than the turdiest of the turds. It is an apparent problem, fear.

Because of that, mankind developed ways to counter fear. Meditation, prayers, motivational talks, quotes and of sorts. The "Anda Hebat! Jangan takut!" and "Fear is nothing for me." of pompous guys in suit talking in an airconditioned ballroom. Combating fear is a big deal as fear has been shown in history to be a potent killer of kings, cities and civilizations.

But is fear that bad?

Not really.
Fear is also an essential part of our evolution. Without fear, we would know no danger and will be extinct as a species faster than you can say "F U evolutionist!" The fear of getting hurt, for example, made us create protection to safeguard us. The fear of dying made think twice before doing any acts. The fear of getting last in exams made us study harder. Yes, fear is a great motivator. What else is better to keep you running than a huge scary beast on your tail?

But it doesn't change that fear is scary. Most of mankind succumbed to fear, defeated in its fangs and surrendering their fates to the unknown. They are rooted in place and incapable of moving forward. These humans are alive but they are dead inside. They were thrown into a stasis induced by fear.

And that, my readers, is what happened to me today.

I woke up in the morning to see a rejection letter from my most favorable university today. And that makes the third university not able to give me admission. The instant that fact hit me, it like all the hope, joy and optimism are drained from me. Different from my rejection from UChicago where I didn't feel anything, this time all those emotions came to me in lump sum basis. And as you would have guessed it, the dominant emotion is no other than fear.

I was scared shitless. As soon as my eyes traced the 'not accepted' part of my admission decision, I closed my laptop and stared at the ceiling. The air cond was off but I was shivering. My mind went blank but one thing: FEAR. It was icy cold, hence my shivering. It overwhelmed me and I didn't move from staring at the ceiling for quite a while. I showered and get ready for college by autopilot basis. Fear clouded my mind that I  can't even think.

The only thing that come to mind is the worst case scenario of not getting any university and witness my future crumbled into dust. That thought alone is enough to send me spiraling into the pits of despair where hope goes to die.

Throughout all that, my other personality tried to snap me out of it. Railzan came out with rationalization and logic of the situation, trying to make sense of the situation and putting it in an somewhat optimistic way. Kanzaki tried to be optimistic and pumped in hope into my disturbed mind. Even so, in this state of mind, I could barely hear them, let alone project them.

And I was alone...

And I'm afraid...

Yes, after a pretty long streak of fearlessness. From performing in PICC, to taking SPM, to SPM results day, to various scholarships interviews, to ADP finals, to SAT, to TOEFL, where I didn't feel an ounce of fear, only nervousness, finally today I was given fear in the purest form ever.

And I'm rooted in place.

But fret not my readers as I can still look up...
And hope that I came out from this fear
And be a stronger man than before


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