Sunday, March 17, 2013

To Feel or Not to Feel

I'll be frank to you guys and skip the whole intro. Today's post will all be about the feels. Yes, DA FEELS. If you think that you're not in the mood to feel 'DA FEELS', please return in another time.
Okay, moving on.

Lately, I have been going through an influx of FEELS, particularly negative feels. I don't know why but I say seeing all my other friends breaking down one by one somehow had its effect towards me. It peaked around last Wednesday when I suddenly lost any sort of motivation that usually drives me forward. The actual reason for this demotivation? NONE. Or unknown would be a better word.

 An interesting point of interest is that both Railzan and Kanzaki (especially Kanzaki) was projected less frequently. No more I feel the need to socialize or think deeply; I just want to be alone and wallow in pity.

Thankfully, I recovered as soon as I wallow in my own pity as if I had released something out from my inner thoughts. Such speedy recovery was because I rationalize my situation and told myself "Hey, why the heck you want to be moppy? You should not be sad or anything. like normal,"

And be like normal I did.

Then yesterday, around 5 am, I was greeted by an email with the label 'Important' on it. The title of the email: UChicago Admission Decision. I opened it, key in my log in ID and came out one elegant looking page. A brief glance and I saw a smart looking signature at the bottom corner. Must be official. The content of the page? Well, just this one sentence was sufficient to summarize it all.

Dear Khairul Nazran,
Thank you for applying to the University of Chicago. The Admissions Committee has reviewed your application, and due to the large number of highly qualified applicants, we regret that we are unable to offer you admission.

Now, bear in mind that this is my future I'm talking about here. One of my seven hopes of getting admissions to a US university, GONE. So much is that stake in this situation, including the worst case scenario: Scholarship revokement and that is the last thing I wish to happen.

So, can you guess what is my next course of action?
Wallow in despair?
Flip the table?
Asking the universe "Why me??!!!" while the camera zooming outwards?
Blame god?

Nope, I did none of that. Without even bothering to shut down the computer, I just pulled my covers and sleep soundly as if nothing future altering happened. I woke up a few hours later and saw the same page. And yet, I feel....nothing. No emotions. 

Why is that? I found myself rationalizing of why I should not be sad.

"You were not expecting much from them too."
"You did your freaking essay 5 hours before deadline. Of course you won't get in. Your fault so why should you be sad?"
"Oh, well. No more university for 12 years of bond."

Logically, I should not be sad. It is my fault. I didn't try hard enough. I am to bear the full consequences of my action. I know that this is just a grand scheme set up by God. Also, my friends also got the same reply, I must not be sad in respect to them. Hence, why should I be sad?

But it baffled me. Why am I not sad? I got emotional a few days back for no reason. I have a perfectly good reason to be sad now but why I am not sad? Then it hit me. I rationalize. That is why I'm not sad 

Rationalization. Logic. Two of the most powerful tool wielded by us humans. With this two in our hands, we catalyze progress and development and spearheaded towards a better world. With these two also, we can capable of suppressing our own  illogical emotions. But isn't that too good? Why can't we be wallowed in our emotions? It is a sin to actually get 'DA FEELS'?
Maybe it is a defense mechanism...
To protect me.
But for the time being, I shall refrain and keep this inside me. All the FEELS


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