Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Hate Goodbyes

Warning. Emotional post ahead. Sorry, I tried repressing it but I can't

Close eyes, open eyes, close eyes, open eyes.

There are now less then 30 days before a huge double decker metal bird will take me away from a place called Malaysia and fly me off to the New World Of Opportunity. Everyday, without fail, I would daydream of a certain scene in an airport and emotions bubbled inside me. Hypothetical tears become increasingly real with every repetition. Faces of family and friends flashed with their bittersweet smile and encouraging goodbyes. The smell of McDonalds of KLIA. God, I hate that smell. I swear to myself not to visit any McDs to prevent my memory from triggering again.

Why so emo lah?

I don't know. I should be excited and happy that there are now less than a month left before I fly off. Flying to the States to study has been one of my greatest teenage dream and it is finally becoming real but why am I sad and slightly angry at this?

Maybe because time passed to fast. The Man of  the Clockwork is trolling me by setting time in 'fast forward' mode and laugh maniacally at my blissful ignorance of time until I realized that time has ran out. Time to spend with family and friends and pets and acquaintances. Time to let memories, good and bad sink into my grey matter.

But maybe that's not it. Maybe it is something different that is causing this bubbling madness of emotions in me. No, it is not the Man of the Clockwork's fault although I really wish to put all the blame onto him. So, what is it?

I hate goodbyes

Yes, maybe that's it. I hate goodbyes. I really do. But isn't that ironical for me? I never cried in any graduation/farewell party before. Seriously, I never ever cry so, why am I so sensitive with goodbyes? The thing is, I am sensitive to goodbyes. I just stash it away into the depths of my mind and repress it like I always did with my other emotions. Wait, that's an oxymoron too? An emotionless Nazran? Bullshit

But see, I have a really strong facade to hide whatever I am feeling current all in the name of logic and rationality. I should not feel like this. Think objectively. Think objectively. THINK OBJECTIVELY

Maybe that's the reason why I can't really express myself well. Wait, another oxymoron? Yes, I'm a good adaptor too. I see social context and fit in perfectly, saying things people want to hear and what not. Fake? Meh, it is called being smart.

Enough digression. The point here is, I hate goodbyes. Yeah sure, we have Facebook, Twitter, Skype and what not to keep in touch but things will never be the same. It will never, shall ever never be the same. And that scared me shitless.

If you read what I wrote a few months by about fear, maybe you would understand. The fear to take a step forward is more frightening than experience the current fear instill into you. That's what I'm going through right now. I'm scared. I'm insecure. I'm afraid.

That's why I hate goodbyes. Goodbyes are the signal of a new beginning. Although I condone the act of starting something new, I can't deny of the fact that I am still scared shitless of that idea.

Will I be crippled by fear?
Hell no. The Nazran writing this one hell of an emotional blog post is just a part of a whole Nazran in the Great System of Nazrans in the Naz-Brain. The optimistic and motivated part of me will surely override this insecure Nazran soon. But again, that doesn't mean I purge my fear altogether. The fear is there, just repressed.

With less than a month left, I think this is a good time to spend it with friends, family and lover. Yeah, that sounds about right. Of course, tears will be shed in the night of the 20th but I'm going to make sure that those tears will be the testament of my 'Why I am going to US'. Tears are expensive. Must make them worth it.

Oh yeah, I haven't really settled 100% of my college preparation so I guess you can say some of the fear is originating from there.


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