You, The Greatest Enemy

Original Source of Picture: CptnDerp @ Deviant Art

I woke up to my first ever panic attack ever since I came here; the first after a series of panic attacks before I got my long awaited acceptance letter from this same university. I remembered how I woke up at 2 in the morning - breath labored, body drenched in sweat and heart thumping- thinking about that dream I had moments before I woke up in this horrible state. I shook my head to clear off that lucid image of the nightmare and the sweet yet venomous sound that I wish not to hear.

Then, I slept again hoping that this is just a random event.

But it wasn't.

I can't remember clearly how many times I woke up. Was it three or four? I'm not sure. The point is, I didn't get much sleep yesterday. Every time I drift off to the depths of my own consciousness, I would wake up a hour later in a pile of sweaty clothes and heavy breaths. Again, haunted by that dream.

You might want to ask: "What kind of dream? Is there any kind of dream that can scare you shitless when in reality you are quite a strong person?"

Answer to that: Yes, there is.

I wrote a poem earlier this morning about being a man. That poem is in response to my panic attacks before. Men are humans. Humans are naturally weak. They are capable of breaking down and crying under pressure. However, humans are only naturally strong. They can prevail and strive under pressure too. It is just a mere choice

Back to the point, what did I dreamed of? Let's just say that I'm strong because I have important people in my life to support me through thick and thin. They are my life line and my reason to fight. What if, somehow, they slowly drift apart? No, not through death or anything abrupt. Just slowing fading away and disappearing no matter how hard you try to hold on. Like holding a fistful of sand and seeing it escape through the cracks between your fingers and when you open them, you can only see just a part of what it used to be.

I'm so far away currently and that by itself is daunting. Everyone I cared is at the other side of the Earth, around 16000km away. I can't see them in person so I need to keep in touch via technology. Soon, 'checking up' became sort of an obsession. I want to know how are you doing. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are doing fine.

Sure, I get busy and soon put it at the back of my mind. Honestly, I got over my waves of homesickness a little while ago and I thought that I was okay. But see, I didn't forget about it. I merely stash it away into the depths of my own subconsciousness.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you might notice that I have this peculiar voice inside my head that is myself and also not myself (Confusing. Yeah, I don't know how it works too) but in a broader sense, I would like to think this voice as myself. Every time when I have my mind free from school and socializing, this voice started to wander, "Hey, I wonder what is he/she doing now?" That question soon escalate into a series of "What if"s. And we all know that 'what ifs' creates anxiety and fear.

That's how I (think) got my panic attack. I am the cause of it

But why?

I don't know for sure. Maybe it is because I choose to be insecure?

Heh.

Throughout my life, I have been struggling with myself without rest. I'm the cause of my success and I'm the cause of my failure. Kinda heavy of a burden eh? But yeah, that is how it is. I am my greatest enemy.

In this case, I choose to be afraid and anxious. Although technically I didn't, a part of me (Or a huge part of me) choose to do just that. To quote a certain failure of a Will Smith movie:

The danger is there but fear is a choice

Which brings me to another question: Will I be okay?

Hm.. tough one but generally, a big fat YES

As weird as it seems, I am better than myself. So, this time I choose to be brave instead.

End word: Always, always, always fight against your inner demons. You are your greatest enemy

Hello Murica!

This is the infamous UMich Bell Tower. Nice right? ITS HAUNTED!

Hello people of the internet! After going through a month of emotional rollercoaster, homesickness and 'kejutan kultural', I am back writing in my now-filled-with-cobwebs personal blog. Kinda weird because I always update my poetry blog but I never had the chance/time to invest idea and creative energy into my beloved nazranvision.

Anyways, I'm in 'Murica. No idea where it is? Okay, I shall speak it more clearly.

A

Me

Ri

Ka

Yes, people. Finally, I'm in United States; land of obesity, the dollar bill and 90% of the western artiste you guys worship on daily basis. Specifically, I'm in the town of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Where is that you might ask? It is 5 hours north of Chicago. Where is Chicago you ask? It is 7 hours east of New york. Where is New York you ask? For god's sake, get an atlas!

Ehem

Anyway, the journey to Ann Arbor, Michigan took around 30 hours including transit, travelling more than 11 hundred miles (Yeah, American system!) and 7 full-length movies...and sleep. 

Why am I here? To party and pick up chicks, of course!

...

...

jk, I'm studying in the University of Michigan. College of LSA, majoring in Economics and planning to double major in Psychology too...or a double degree in business. We shall see how the future unfolds.

It has been almost two weeks here and I like my experience so far. Generally, the people here are more sociable and open to others. Their service is great too. Friends, a plenty though I have trouble finding a genuine close friend yet. (Come on, baru dua minggu. Chill) 

Parties? I've been to a few. Well, duh, not frat or sorority parties with alcohol and weed bongs and orgies. Normal parties with people and music and free finger food that is not actually filling. Parties play an important social aspect of life as a student here. Miss them, then your experience will suck. It is just like mamak sessions in Malaysia...though they don't really carried away until 4am.

How about studies? Well, can't really say much because today is my first day of class. So far, it is enjoyable. Finally taking up Japanese this time. (Yes! Akiba, here I come~~~) Also taking English writing because they don't accept 'Malaysia-standard English. (Heh, good what. Grammar perfect some more. You all is no nothing of this) And last but not least, Calculus II

*cue frightening music*

Yes, I'm not the brightest one for maths and stuff. My basics suck balls but one thing I do enjoy about math is the dissection of normal everyday concepts into numbers and graphs and functions and further dissecting it. It is like looking into the universe around us....naked. 

Ehem.

But I think I can bear with it. Come on, it is 'just' 13 credits. <--Future Nazran won't approve of this. I bet you.

Anyway, I'm finally here. I won't lie when I see I miss Malaysia. I miss the food there. (Seriously, I'm turning into a rabbit here. Salads everytime) I miss the sights. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my Sam. I miss my Panda. I miss my Kyou and Emma (I love you, babe. Please ship yourself to me T_T)

But life goes on. This is a new chapter. A new beginning. A clean slate for me to spray whatever color paint I wish. Total freedom is a gift but also a burden. I'm confident that I will survive this experience 16000 km away from home (Metric system, I miss you) where toilets have no water bidets (I miss you too, bidets) with nothing but a scroll in hand

...

...

...and maybe a slight accent

SLIGHT OKAY.

Countdown. More Than Words Version

My days here are numbered. But that doesn't mean I should sit at a corner and cry right? So, I'm writing here to answer the question:

"So, how do you spend your last days, Nazran?"

So, here is my answer, in a More Than Words edition!

Because I'm lazy to write tonight

1. Nights With Semoa

It was kinda random. A friend of mine suddenly came to me and asked, "Eh, datang lah." So, I did. It was a fun night and I met a lot of my long lost friends

With awesome people, Rizwan and San

My mates for the night

Puak Kijang united

With Akhiar, a senior

2. ADP Graduation

Oh god, I finally graduated. It seems like yesterday that I just got my letter from Taylors. Now, I had officially graduated. It was fun, really.

Two shining rays.

Among the awesome friends I have in ADP

Puak Michigan

Rachel, Sherlynn and Darren. They always make my day

With my favorite lecturer, Ms Lim

Hours of library studying: Worth it

All of us in Turga-ish (Turgic) pose

3. Prom Night

I never been to prom. So I say YOLO and went to one. I cost me shitloads of money but IT WAS WORTH IT. PERIOD. I'M NOT JOKING ON THIS

Manly stare

Tux and a white piano. How gentlemanly is that?

The prom gang

Manly man in suits and tie (bowtie)

Shir Lin, the bubbly girl in black

Heizen, the cute mashimaro who turned into a white angel

4. IftarOhsem

94fs very first iftar! With great people and great food.

The ohsem people. Take 1

Future Prime Minister and Future

Ali and Zik, being sweet 

I Hate Goodbyes

Warning. Emotional post ahead. Sorry, I tried repressing it but I can't

Close eyes, open eyes, close eyes, open eyes.

There are now less then 30 days before a huge double decker metal bird will take me away from a place called Malaysia and fly me off to the New World Of Opportunity. Everyday, without fail, I would daydream of a certain scene in an airport and emotions bubbled inside me. Hypothetical tears become increasingly real with every repetition. Faces of family and friends flashed with their bittersweet smile and encouraging goodbyes. The smell of McDonalds of KLIA. God, I hate that smell. I swear to myself not to visit any McDs to prevent my memory from triggering again.

Why so emo lah?

I don't know. I should be excited and happy that there are now less than a month left before I fly off. Flying to the States to study has been one of my greatest teenage dream and it is finally becoming real but why am I sad and slightly angry at this?

Maybe because time passed to fast. The Man of  the Clockwork is trolling me by setting time in 'fast forward' mode and laugh maniacally at my blissful ignorance of time until I realized that time has ran out. Time to spend with family and friends and pets and acquaintances. Time to let memories, good and bad sink into my grey matter.

But maybe that's not it. Maybe it is something different that is causing this bubbling madness of emotions in me. No, it is not the Man of the Clockwork's fault although I really wish to put all the blame onto him. So, what is it?

I hate goodbyes

Yes, maybe that's it. I hate goodbyes. I really do. But isn't that ironical for me? I never cried in any graduation/farewell party before. Seriously, I never ever cry so, why am I so sensitive with goodbyes? The thing is, I am sensitive to goodbyes. I just stash it away into the depths of my mind and repress it like I always did with my other emotions. Wait, that's an oxymoron too? An emotionless Nazran? Bullshit

But see, I have a really strong facade to hide whatever I am feeling current all in the name of logic and rationality. I should not feel like this. Think objectively. Think objectively. THINK OBJECTIVELY

Maybe that's the reason why I can't really express myself well. Wait, another oxymoron? Yes, I'm a good adaptor too. I see social context and fit in perfectly, saying things people want to hear and what not. Fake? Meh, it is called being smart.

Enough digression. The point here is, I hate goodbyes. Yeah sure, we have Facebook, Twitter, Skype and what not to keep in touch but things will never be the same. It will never, shall ever never be the same. And that scared me shitless.

If you read what I wrote a few months by about fear, maybe you would understand. The fear to take a step forward is more frightening than experience the current fear instill into you. That's what I'm going through right now. I'm scared. I'm insecure. I'm afraid.

That's why I hate goodbyes. Goodbyes are the signal of a new beginning. Although I condone the act of starting something new, I can't deny of the fact that I am still scared shitless of that idea.

Will I be crippled by fear?
Hell no. The Nazran writing this one hell of an emotional blog post is just a part of a whole Nazran in the Great System of Nazrans in the Naz-Brain. The optimistic and motivated part of me will surely override this insecure Nazran soon. But again, that doesn't mean I purge my fear altogether. The fear is there, just repressed.

With less than a month left, I think this is a good time to spend it with friends, family and lover. Yeah, that sounds about right. Of course, tears will be shed in the night of the 20th but I'm going to make sure that those tears will be the testament of my 'Why I am going to US'. Tears are expensive. Must make them worth it.

Oh yeah, I haven't really settled 100% of my college preparation so I guess you can say some of the fear is originating from there.

The Origins: Celebrating 100th Post on Nazranvision

It has come: THE 100TH POST ON NAZRANVISION!!!

WOOHOOO!
YEYYYYYY!
*FIRES CONFETTI*
*DO A MOONSAULT, CARTWHEEL TRIPLE BACKFLIP WHILE WEARING A PURPLE LEOTARD*

Ehem,
I can't believe it, after only a year since revival the new nazranvision has reached its 100th post. First of all, I would like to thank myself (selves) for always updating this blog though at times it may gather dust due to writer's block and what not. Thank you Nazran. Thank you Railzan. Thank you Kanzaki

And thank you! Yeah, YOU. Oi, you la the one reading this. Yeah, you. Because without you, I wouldn't have any reason to update this blog. Seeing my views rising slowly and steadily is one of my favorite past times and oh boy, it sure gave me a good high.

To commemorate this post, I shall do a simple FAQ (Yes, FAK FAK FAK!) regarding nazranvision

So, why the heck would you name your blog 'nazranvision'? That was lame
I. Have. No. Idea. Maybe because my 16 years old self thinks it is cool. Come on, I was a teenager when I first created this blog and teenagers are stupid. ALL teenagers are stupid.

I heard somewhere along the way, nazranvision was shut down. Really ah?
Yeah. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, nazranvision was shut down on 19th February 2011. Then over a year later, nazranvision was reborn.

What is the purpose of nazranvision?
To tell you the truth, I first blog because I want to show my crush my writing skills. So I wrote diary entries of my life and all in a wacky writing style to get her attention. She didn't work out though but this blog did. After the shut down, nazranvision was revived as a 'philosophically deep and inspiring blog' where I write some ambiguous and general stuffs without a personal taste of 'me'. But then, this is my blog. It should have something about me! So after that, nazranvision just became...my blog. I can write whatever I want to and no one can stop me!....except for myself (selves)

You always mentioned Railzan and Kanzaki. Who or what are they?
Railzan and Kanzaki are figments of my personality. See, I get confused with myself often. I pride myself with my facade and my adaptability to the world, resulting very contrasting traits and personalities to exist within me. In order to save myself from an identity crisis, I organize/relate my personalities into 'persons'. Railzan and Kanzaki are two parts of an opposing spectrum and whatever in between is Nazran. Railzan is my perfectionist, organized, logical and rational side with his bombastic words spamming, long convoluted sentences and his disregard for the human emotions. Kanzaki is my feminine and softer side and also my source of extraversion, enthusiasm and the love for humans in general.

Oh I see, then who is Nazran?
Nazran is everything here and there and in between. Yes, that's deep and I shall leave it there.

How does nazranvision changed you?
Nazranvision changed me in more ways than I could imagine. The shut down of nazranvision in 2011 thought me a valuable lesson and serves as a harsh wake up call. Nazranvision is also the reason I found one of my closest friends through the blogosphere and also my beloved group of inspiring teens, the 94 Congress. Nazranvision helped me a lot to build up my maturity. Try reading my earlier posts and my later post. You can see an evolution in thought and writing style. This my friend, is the fruits of my maturity...and nazranvision played a part in garnering and immortalizing that.

So, what now for nazranvision?
To stay awesome. Yes, nuff said.

**
Again, I would like to thank all of you who always read my blog post no matter how random or long/short it is. Without you guys, this blog will be dead in days. Yes, you guys are the oxygen for this blog. Never. Stop. Reading.

With that, nazranvision's 100th post:

FINISHED

A Fast Rant Regarding Fasting Month

Happy Ramadhan everybody! We, from Nazranvision team would like to wish you guys happy fasting. Do good. Be good. And stay good.

Because most of the topic I had in mind now are either not suitable to be posted online or not suitable to be posted during this time period. Since Ramadhan has just begun, I would like to strike while the iron is hot and send you guys a message via (seemingly) random rants

1. Those people who 'transform' into an angel during Ramadhan

Yes, these kinds of people exist. They were...well, not really bad during other months but they were not good either. Skipping prayers, cursing and revealing all is there to reveal as if the world is stamped with their name in big red block letters. Then, Ramadhan came and they suddenly undergo a metamorphosis into an angel with sanctimonious tweets, soft spoken words and perfect religious program. Now, what can you say about these people?

"Siot, bajet baik je. Dah setan, setan ar. Pui"
"Bajet bagus. Nak menunjuk ar tu time2 Ramadhan ni. Hak tui"
"Munafik. Nakharom"

Chill my brothers and sisters. Why the hate? Although yeah, they 'might' be faking it but see, it doesn't change the fact that they are 'doing' it. Yeah, chances are they might not know what they are doing and that's good; we, as the 'enlightened' one should show them the way. See, fakes can be original. By faking their alignment towards good, they are trying to imitate the original. Isn't that a good thing, right?

But noooooo. Our so called 'enlightened' group scurried their 'Bashing Machine Guns' and condemn these people into oblivion. Hurtful words and remarks that is so cruel, you would not believe that he/she is someone who is 'enlightened'. And these 'fakes' who generally functions closely with society's perception say, "Hey, you know what. Screw this crap. I'm going to be true to myself and drop the act". Hence, these 'fakes' stop faking and continue their original lifestyle.

Yeah, this might be an exaggeration and over generalization but this is a very plausible and might be real scenario. 'Enlightened' people, as much as you think you can control people, I am here to say, "You can't". What you can control though is your reaction and action towards an external stimuli; in this case, the 'fakes'. By noticing the root of the problem (The fakes trying to imitate the original), a truly 'enlightened' person would take this opportunity rather than to let it slip.

So yeah, stop bashing these 'fakes' and try to help them out instead!

2. Hey, Ya Non-Muslim. You Need To Respect Us! Here is 1001 Things You Can't Do 

"Non-Muslim, we would like you to respect us Muslim while we are fasting. Please don't bla bla bla bla"

Kay, I'm not denying the fact that non-muslim should have some respect towards us fasting Muslim. It is common sense not to dangle food in front of a fasting person without risking to awake the monster inside of him/her. But people are abusing it by taking this concept a little bit too far. Worse, they are actually forcing it down our non-Muslims companion's throats.

"Don't RT food pictures"
"Don't wear sleveless"
"Don't show me your aurat-exposed face"
"Don't talk to me. I might get aroused"
"Walao, still do the thing I told you not to. You $%^& racist. Ci$%^&*( Ke$%^&*() Tut tut tut"

(Again, exaggeration but you get what I mean)

Which I would like to respond as "WOW! So power your convictions are! Bravo!" Are your willpower that 'cikai' that you get turned on by a simplest exposure of aurat of a non-Muslim. Kay, I putting it out that I don't know the proper hukum of that but I kinda pity my non-Muslim friend who got bash because she didn't wear a tudung during Ramadhan. I mean, why should she? It is not her religious obligation whatsoever so she don't have responsibility to wear it. This act of forcing our religious views down into others throat is a toxic behavior indeed.

I mean, yeah, we need to uphold Islam as a religion and all. But to shove our 'Islam' into our non-Muslim friends is not upholding Islam at all; in fact, you're tainting it with the image of 'All Muslims are extremist fanatics who lived in their own world'

Have a bit of respect too. And maybe you will receive respect in a truckload

3. ????

Dammit. I'm out of rants to rant. I need ideas on Ramadhan, FAST! (See what I did there?)

To Love Thyself

I'm going to post this quote and the link to the whole video. Watch it. Very inspiring.

"And if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. Look a little closer. Stare a little longer. Because there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite how everyone told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself, you signed it, They were wrong."

-To This Day, Shane Koyczan-

link to the original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

Dann, short blog post ever