A Teacher Who Inspires

Yes, we are talking about teachers. No, we are not talking about my long lost dream of becoming one nor the deep down feeling of frustration with teachers in general. Instead, I want to talk about a particular teacher; a teacher who inspires.

Soon, it will be the third anniversary of the Black February, the reason why this very blog shuts down for a year. For those who don't know what is Black February is, don't worry, a tribute post will be posted soon. Let's just go with the fact that I messed up big time.

After Black February, I was stripped off everything I worked hard for in school, most particularly, the respect from teachers. Most of the teachers abandoned me and send me looks of disgust. I have no idea what kind of stories they heard but that doesn't matter. The trip to the Staff Room is hell. I was...well, drowning in pure despair.

But noticed that I used the word 'most' rather than 'all'. There are teachers who stood by me, teacher who understood me and what I'm trying to do. There is a certain Indian Chemistry teacher who gave me a 99 on a Chemistry exam and spoke about my 'Highest Score in the History of SMSS' in almost every other class he taught though in reality, I didn't get 99. I flipped through my 60/60 Paper 2 two years after and saw 3 errors which he cross out and ignored. It was intentional. And there are several other and one of them is no one than my Form 5 Physics teacher.

Physics is not really my cup of tea, Chemistry was (But ironically, I took neither for my degree.) but the Physics lab was my favorite non-classroom spot next to the Band Room. The reason being is this particular Physics teacher. A little bit of background before she became my Physics teacher, she was the Team Manager for Team Vector Magnum, my Formula One in School Team. Working with her was an experience to behold and I had fun but I really got close to her after Black February.

She is not your run-of-the-mill teacher who teaches and go. She is the kind of teacher who sincerely wants to know her student. She seek a personal connection with the student because she believed that would help them and help her to teach better. She believes that every student is unique. Bright students should be allowed to explore their interest and fly above the syllabus and become the very best. Weak students should be assisted without discrimination from the bright students. She believes in batch politics (and was quite well-versed in it). She doesn't mind students flocking her lab because she loves talking and knowing her students beyond the book and whiteboard.

During Black February, I remembered she told me:

"Mereka mungkin tak faham pandangan awak, sebab tu mereka tak suka. Tapi tak mengapa, saya percaya awak punya pandangan boleh mengubah dunia. Awak kan ada otak gila-gila sikit. Tu la kekuatan awak. Patut guna elok-elok."

"They might not understand your views, that's why they don't like it. But that's alright because I believe that your views can change the world. You have a crazy mind. That's your strength. Utilize it properly."

As a student neck deep in the pits of despair and depression, do you know how valuable that advice was. Maybe she couldn't remember it but I did. Maybe the above quote is terribly misquoted but I won't forget how it feels. I feel...inspired as if there is hope despite the stares and slight. 

And I worked hard. I accepted the facts that my views are not the view of the world but my views are my views alone. I foster and cherish that. I accepted the fact that I am unique and I should not remove that from myself. True, I kept silent after Black February but in secret, I learn more and further improve my views and conviction. Soon, I was at a stage that I couldn't believe possible if Black February didn't happen. And now...here I am, writing this 10 000 miles away from Malaysia in a distant country.

She inspired me and I'm not the only one. She has a lot of fans, all for a positive reason. She is there for the student. She don't judge, she just listens. She will give advice when advice is needed, she will help when help is needed. She was seen as a popularist by other teachers because of her popularity but she wasn't. She was also not a favorite among the higher ups if I'm not mistaken. But see, she just cares...genuinely. And because of that, she is popular. Love given will get love in return.

Yesterday, she posted a tweet:

"Officially, I am no longer a teacher in SMSS"

I was shocked beyond words. I expected a controversy or something but it turns out that she got promoted to an Assistant Director in the Ministry of Education (Maybe be wrong. I don't get government departments)

And her twitter is flooded by her students, expressing sadness about her transfer. She has become such an important figure to them, what will they do without her?

And that, my readers, is the sign that you have changed someone's life. Dear teacher Aini, if you are reading this (which you most probably will), trust me, you have changed my life. Without you, I may not climb this high. Many other students will agree with me. You made a difference. You achieved what many other teachers tried but didn't succeed: You inspired us and you changed our life. YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE.

So yeah, maybe SMSS don't really deserve someone like you. Maybe a larger scope of people need you. SMSS can't be selfish, we may hold you back for much too long. So go on, teacher. Be great. Inspire. That is your strength. Utilize it. This is the same advice you gave me three years ago and here I am returning that advice back.

Good luck teacher and with all my knightly heart and soul,

I salute you

Thank you

"Well sorry, I'm not born genius"

Often we heard the above phrase in our daily lives especially if you are studying in a college or a university. It can come in many different forms such as

"I just can't do this. I am not even smart to begin with!"
"Weyh, aku memang bodoh math ar. Tak boleh doh"
"Tau ar pandai. Kesian ar aku yang tak pandai macam ko."

These people, as you may noticed, are saying that intelligence comes from birth. You are either smart or dumb. As simple as that, which brings us to a question, are their statements true? Does intelligence comes from genetics and heredity?

Research showed that it is not REALLY the case. Sure, genetics has something to do with intelligence. Some kids are really born smarter than others but we are forgetting an important fact: intelligence (meaning our brain) are in fact quite malleable. We can work hard to become smarter than we are before!

Let's take math for example, the most popular to this "Oh, I'm a math person/not a math person" problem. (See how many people complain about math on Twitter. Too many to count) In an article written by Noah Smith and Miles Kimball, they noticed a very peculiar patterns in high school mathematics students.

1. Different kids with different levels of preparation come into a math class. Some of these kids have parents who have drilled them on math from a young age, while others never had that kind of parental input.
2. On the first few tests, the well-prepared kids get perfect scores, while the unprepared kids get only what they could figure out by winging it—maybe 80 or 85%, a solid B.
3. The unprepared kids, not realizing that the top scorers were well-prepared, assume that genetic ability was what determined the performance differences. Deciding that they “just aren’t math people,” they don’t try hard in future classes, and fall further behind.
4. The well-prepared kids, not realizing that the B students were simply unprepared, assume that they are “math people,” and work hard in the future, cementing their advantage.

Source: Power of Myths, There is One Key Difference Between Kids Who Excel In Math And Those Who Don't

As you can see, students who believe that they are 'not a math person' will really become 'not a math person' even though they actually are a 'math person' before. This self fulfilling prophecy is dangerous as you believe in a lie that you choose to believe, hence changing your fate and destiny. I, myself saw this during my high school years. A friend who believes that he can't do math to change his life choose to avoid math completely, refusing to do homework or put in time and effort to practice (an essential factor of mathematical success) thus he continue to fail in math. 

Here is a plot twist: he actually is an A math student in his previous school. What happened was the transition from primary to secondary was a shock to him and it led him to believe that he was not good at math. Believing in that, he became a student who is not good in math. It is true that what you believe can actually become truth if you believe in it hard enough. We can't really blame him. He is one of those many people who believe that intelligence are rigid and there is nothing you can do to change it. In his case, his drop in math score in secondary school pushed him to believe that he is not good in math. Even if he choose to work hard for it, he will still think it will be all for naught because he believes that intelligence is static. So, like many others, he choose not to work at all.

In a flip side, if he believe that intelligence is malleable, he will work harder in the face of failure because he knew that hard work is a determinant of intelligence. Richard Nisbett recalled something from his book 'Intelligence and How to Get It'

Dweck and her colleagues then tried to convince a group of poor minority junior high school students that intelligence is highly malleable and can be developed by hard work…that learning changes the brain by forming new…connections and that students are in charge of this change process. The results? Convincing students that they could make themselves smarter by hard work led them to work harder and get higher grades. The intervention had the biggest effect for students who started out believing intelligence was genetic. (A control group, who were taught how memory works, showed no such gains.)

See? In simply believing that your hard work matters to your intelligence can really change your course during your academic years (or even in life). Isn't it sad to live your life believing that you are dumb and here is nothing you can do about it?

Going back to the Math story, I think this is why our Math scores are plunging in the international level. There is no one to tell these students that they NEED to work hard to be smart, not just to 'berserah and bersyukur'. And there is a trend in school where the divide between 'pandai and bodoh' is so apparent which worsen this situation. As you know, there is a trend of dividing up class to first class, second class etc. This is simply society's way of saying that "You are not smart. That is why we are putting you here". This will make the student believe that they are in fact not smart and hence stop working hard at all. And again, there is no one to tell them that they can improve their intelligence with hard work and so, it spiraled down from here.

Another factor which contributes to this is the abuse of the term "Bersyukur." Don't get me wrong, I absolutely support the said term and have nothing against it but it irks me to see that it is abused for all the wrong reasons. Bersyukur is basically to be grateful of whatever that you are given. True, but like most if not all terms that exist in this world, bersyukur is not something that is stand alone; there is another term to follow it up. Often, we think that by being bersyukur, everything is actually working out and there is nothing we can do about it. However, we forget that there is an 'usaha' component before the bersyukur part. I don't get it why you must be bersyukur of your subpar results when you didn't actually put in any effort into it. It is sadly nihilistic.

So, stop believing that you can't change your life. Intelligence, believed to be an important determinate of a fulfilling live, can be determined by the amount of hard work and effort you put into it. You are not smart unless you choose to believe that you are not smart. Therefore, stop lamenting and start working hard!

The Vegetarian For A Month Project aka The Gua Makan Sayur! Project (GMSP)

Sayur

That is a Malay word for vegetables for my non-Malaysian reader. So what is up with Sayur?

I wanna be a vegetarian for a month

I know. This is like one of my projects again which is notorious for having a 70% failure rate. (Project Nazran's Tuesday and Thursday, Project ReGenesis, Project Cinta to name a few) But I believe the journey holds value rather than the destination and yes, it is not an all defensive stance here. I did learn a bit of something through my failure projects.

But why though? Ah, this is the reason why this post is here. In the spirit of me applying to Business School, I shall write a proposal (of sorts) to make it look proper, or like my ex-Orchestra Manager used to say, "Baru nampak professional lagi boom lagi"

Ehem

THE 'GUA MAKAN SAYUR' PROJECT

A Proposal

by

Khairul Nazran Kamarulnizam

Railzan Kurhna

Kanzaki Haruna

Zaki Harun

Introduction

Health is something I never really taken care about. I am overweight, love fried foods and eat fatty meat by the dozen. My urge to eat is almost perpetual, if not constraint by income, I would eat almost every other hour. Because of this, it is very worrying as I could feel myself deteriorating with aches and a less energetic body. Plus, my girlfriend always nagged at me about my health while she munch fruits and granolas for health. Not only that, she placed a bet on me to get fit. With that in mind, I find a vegetarian diet would be perfect. Hence, the 'Gua Makan Sayur' Project is born

Meaning Behind the Name

'Gua Makan Sayur' is a very eloquent and elegant translation of "I eat vegetables" into the Malay language. The Malay language used is similar to the style of language used by the higher class and the elites while sipping tea and discussing world issues. 

Objective

• To be healthier and more energetic
• To lose some pounds
• To generate and spark my love for vegetables
• To win the bet with my girlfriend
• To prove to myself that I can keep a habit going

Challenge Structure

• Challenge will start officially after the MiMSA (Malaysia Student Association) Chinese New Year lunch event on 1st February, approx after 4.00pm
• Due to the high failure rate, I could drop out anytime but the ultimate goal is to remain a herbivore until 1st March 2014.
• Vegetarian here means no meat at all. Other animal produce (milk, eggs, cheese etc) are still acceptable
• Once meat entered my mouth, the challenge is over and I am responsible to write up a report of the challenge thus far.
• With every week of the challenge that is successful, I gained a 'Carnivore' level. The max level is 4 and that grants me a full course meat dinner at some lavish place

THIS

Key Achievements (if challenge is successful)

•  The lost of a few pounds
• No meat for a month
• Bragging rights
• Healthier Nazran

Possible Obstacles

• The lack of 'umami' that enters my mouth. Umami is the savoury feeling of taste, found in steaks and meat.
• The bland taste of vegetables generally
• My short attention span and inability to stick to a routine
• THE LACK OF TUNA 
• Peer pressure

Possible Solution to Above Problems

• God bless Siracha and Salsa. Because
• Tofu burgers and Black Bean burgers
• Dressings are the key to success.
• Apply various economics theory to manipulate my utility, maximizing it and not subjecting it to the law of diminishing marginal utility
• Experiment with vegetarian recipes, provided by 'Vege-Consultants'
• Suck it up and be a man and continue eating grass

Achievements (Like a true gamer)

• Shining Start Up: Three days without meat
• Siracha Kindling : Use Siracha to make an otherwise bland salad taste better
• A Helping Hand: Complain to a vegetarian how hard being a vegetarian is
• Iron Resolve: Reject an offer to eat meat
• Yeah, Econs, beach! : Graph possible utility functions between types of vegetables
• Half Past Meat: Exactly 15 days without eating meat
• Seitan Gila Ko: Eat Seitan without puking

Conclusion
Let's do this!

The Symbol of Hope

Oh
Em
Geee

An update finally, after 3 months of inactivity. I'm so so sorry. Ever since coming to the States, I have left this blog to rot while my poetry blog flourished. (Well, it is easier to write a quick poem rather than a full length blogpost).

Anyways what is up, Nazran? A lot has happened since my last post. If you are one of those rare readers who was not up to date with my Facebook statuses, I had been through a lot since November. First, I finished my first semester in U of M. Second, I traveled to New York and some other places (TIMES SQUARE BEBEH). Third, I had experienced winter...and I hate snow already. Fourth, I entered my first competition as a U of M student. (I bet you saw that coming considering my love for competitions)

So yeah, among the other plethora of stuffs that I did, I went for an interview for the core team of Beyond Bounds (Check them out. They are a student support group helping students to find their core values and passion: http://www.livebeyondbounds.org/) One of the reason I wanted to be a part of them so much is because it is in line with something I love doing : Inspiring people. If you are among the sea of people who didn't know me back in high school, I was called "The Motivator" back then (Not really that title. Literally translated to that from Malay) It annoyed people sometimes because you can always see me spouting cheesy lines and pick me ups to people a midst examination stress and stuff. I remembered when I was the batch leader in 2009, all of my 'speeches' were 70% rhetorics and motivational quotes which annoyed the heck of some people.

But why though? Why is this 'inspiring and motivation people' feels so fulfilling for me? I wondered about that these past weeks, along with another life-changing question "What am I doing with my life?"

Now, that second question is kinda ironical. People will go "Eh, you have a job at Bank Negara. Obviously you are going to be an economist! Go worry about this for what?" But see, a career doesn't equal to life itself. Being an economists is not my life's goal. Heck any career is not my life goal. That is too shallow of an approach. A life goal, in my opinion, should be clear yet vague (what). It should be clear enough to let you see the path, yet vague enough that any career, university, spouse, life events that happened can bring you towards it.

My life goal?

To be a Symbol of Hope

Wow, much grand. Such bold. Capitalszzzz

But yeah, I want to be a symbol of hope. Someone that the general public look up to. Some figure that is synonymous to a cause like Gandhi to non-violence or MLK to civil rights. Some one whose quotes are everywhere in tumblrs and retweeted countless of times in Twitters despite horrible misquotation. Yes, I want to be that guy.

Isn't that egoistical? I don't really think so. I'm not doing it for fame. I won't deny that I will feel proud but I don't think I will be filled with hubris. I want to be like that so someone can be inspired by me. You know, that idol who you can relate with and you strive to be someone like them. Malaysia youths, especially the Malays, are in dire need of someone relate able to be their role model because the role models they have are freaking politicians. Seriously, as good as Mahathir was (Or Anwar or whoever.), they are not from your generation. I bet you can't even relate with them based on the food you eat. (Ironical for a Malaysian) But yet, the education system and society continue to shove down these politicians to be the role model of any students out there. I once been to BTN and they ask "Who is your role model?" and my god 90% of my group said "Mahathir". Fine, he is a respectable person but is there no other role model who is more relate able to you?

I digressed. So that is why. I want to be that man to finally be a role model to others. "Oh, he studies all the time. Book worm" "Ah, but he plays DotA. He is just like us!" is what I imagined some day in the future.

But see, the road to be there is hard. First, you need to be impressive enough as an individual first. You need to achieve and conquer mountains and be at the top. No one loves the first lose but everyone loves the winner. But really, that is not that important. The most important part of all is to NOT LOSE MYSELF AS I CLIMBED (Yes, all caps) I need to remind myself that I was once that kid. I was lost, hopeless, no skills, no friends, no nothing. I was a depressed messed as I slumped on my dirty hostel bed, wondering about life. And someone saved me. It is time that I save others

Open Letter to SPM 2013 Students

An Open Letter to SPM 2013 students.

Hello,

As you guys may or may not realized, the end of SPM examination means that school is finally over. A new fresh wings are bestowed upon you as you can finally take those precious steps into the outside world. 11 years of incubation and preparation in school are all for these steps. As you step outside your school’s compound for the last time, be it physical or hypothetically, this question may come across your mind, “Now what?”

Many of you guys may think, “Hey, I’m free. Now I can relax and enjoy my 6 months plus break.” Yes, you are correct. Do take a break. SPM examination is a pain but remember, your break is not definite. These months leading up to your SPM results and your enrollment to the next stage of education (Assuming you are taking this step) is arguably the most important time of your early adulthood. Six months is such a long time; there are much that can be done. I’m here to guide you throughout this six months and hopefully it will be a help towards you.

What do I need to do?

1.      Character Building

Sure, take a break for two or three weeks or so, then start get cracking. One thing that you really want to tackle upon is character. Without doubt, character is one of the biggest determinants of life. Look around and observe successful people around you. Their skills aside, all of them has some sort of strong character which enables them to climb the ladder of success. Character traits such as integrity, responsibility, dedication, discipline and perseverance play a huge role be it in college or in life itself. So, build them NOW. The time between post-SPM and SPM results is a great time to do this because you have no pressure from school or homework or assignment. This is your ‘ME TIME’ so, proceed smartly. Read self-help books. Read biographies of successful people. Join a volunteering club. Join and fight for a cause. Participate in seminars. Start a personal or group project. Build up those characters now and you will see the results in the future. In my personal observation, my friends who took up volunteering and start up a video project about Islamic dakwah has a strong character and better start to his college life than my friend who merely works part time for six months. Don’t get me wrong, I am not wrong part time jobs are useless but it is highly dependable on your goal of taking up that job. If it is solely monetary, then chances are, you will not invest much into building up your character via the part time job.

2.      Skill Building

Aside from character, another important thing to work on during your long break is your skill array. It compliments a strong character and it is more concrete and easily seen by scholarship scouts and employers in the future. Skills can go from something menial like cooking, sewing, household chores to something complex like computer programming and website designing. Whatever it is, if the skill is beneficial, take it up and learn it. Heck, it might even be something you are happened to be interested in like photography or singing. Nowadays, to learn a skill is fairly easy with the advent of technology. Wikihow and Google can provide readily-available steps and methods in learning a new skills. Youtube also has a wide array of ‘How-To’s video to guide you in learning a skill. Not only by learning a skill you will get a cool skill into your life, it helps into building your character too. For example, learning how to play a guitar requires patience and perseverance as you repeating boring scales and chords over and over again to get it right. This builds up those character traits indirectly as you get better at it. And also, having skill sets is important for socializing too!

PS: Learn the skills to learn faster and efficiently like mind-mapping, holistic thinking, lateral thinking. It helps your college academic work A LOT.

3.      Networking

Social media is a big thing nowadays but to have only a huge quantity of friends does not and will not help you in the future. Quality relationships, be it professional or personal, are a way to go. A relationship network that is not too big nor too small is one of the key to a fulfilling life. To start building up that network starts now. Go to social events or volunteer for an organization. Don’t limit yourself to someone who is the same age or shares the same interest as you. Open up to new friends and connections. I found a group of highly motivated friends solely by serendipity in a blog group. Soon, we became 94fs, a community that strives to inspire the 90’s generation. A strong network is also essential for you to find opportunities like projects and events. So, turn on your extroverted persona and get socializing.

4.      Find Your Path

Arguably one of the hardest question to be answered. “What path of life do I want to take?” The Malaysian university system works like a specialization institute; you pick a course and specialized in it. Unlike the US college system which I am currently in where students are given the first two years of their college life to explore and decide their major and concentration, you don’t have that liberty in Malaysia. So, like my previous advice, start now. Research on possible degrees that might interest you and GO DEEP. Yes, I intentionally bold and capitalized that because it is something that 95% of SPM graduates failed to do and they jumped into the hype bandwagon and ultimately screw up their entire life doing something that doesn’t interest them. RESEARCH REQUIRES TIME. And such a life-changing decision won’t come to you overnight. When I say ‘GO DEEP’, I mean to go find out everything about that degree you can possibly find like job prospect, syllabus, the knowledge you might get, its application in the modern world etc. Also, ask yourself about your existing skills and passion and how can you use that to make your decision easier. Let’s take myself an example. I went to a Science-Stream school for my entire high school. I was born, raised and molded into a Scientist of sorts. However, deep down inside, the job prospect of a Scientist does not interest me as I was more interested in human interactions and psychology. However, Psychology might not be suitable for me as I want a more rigorous academic life with math and deep analysis. Then, I found economics which essentially deals with humans (Behavioral economics FTW) and requires A LOT of analysis and also theory crafting (I mean, come on, speculating the world economy is crude yet so fun. Kay, I should stop econ-fanboying) And that’s when I know which path I am going to take. You can achieve that too! You just need to GO DEEP.

5.      Never be Afraid

More of a general statement than a legit advice. NEVER EVER BE AFRAID TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. (Yes the caps is necessary) If you never speak a word of English, for example, DO IT. If you never write an essay just for fun, DO IT. If you never tried cracking a mathematical formula, DO IT. Because during this slack time, exploration is easier to do because you have nothing to lose, no grades to maintain and no homework to stand by your way. Explore and see the world outside your own coconut shell.

Closing Words

            I hope my 1000+ words of advice will help you guys. As a SPM 2011 graduate and an avid follower of Malaysia education (Is this the correct term? Let’s just say I always keep up with the progress of SPM graduates), I found out there are a lot of lost souls after SPM. Even more heartbreaking, people with potential were swept away in blissful ignorance as they burn out their ‘vacation’ and suffered through college. Although, I have also seen people who are thought to be ‘without potential or hope’ to rise up from mediocrity and rose to success. It is possible. If I could do a research paper about the correlation between the time spent effectively during this period after SPM and the student success in life, I would do it. So yeah. Take my advice, young ones and may I see you at the top.

            

You, The Greatest Enemy

Original Source of Picture: CptnDerp @ Deviant Art

I woke up to my first ever panic attack ever since I came here; the first after a series of panic attacks before I got my long awaited acceptance letter from this same university. I remembered how I woke up at 2 in the morning - breath labored, body drenched in sweat and heart thumping- thinking about that dream I had moments before I woke up in this horrible state. I shook my head to clear off that lucid image of the nightmare and the sweet yet venomous sound that I wish not to hear.

Then, I slept again hoping that this is just a random event.

But it wasn't.

I can't remember clearly how many times I woke up. Was it three or four? I'm not sure. The point is, I didn't get much sleep yesterday. Every time I drift off to the depths of my own consciousness, I would wake up a hour later in a pile of sweaty clothes and heavy breaths. Again, haunted by that dream.

You might want to ask: "What kind of dream? Is there any kind of dream that can scare you shitless when in reality you are quite a strong person?"

Answer to that: Yes, there is.

I wrote a poem earlier this morning about being a man. That poem is in response to my panic attacks before. Men are humans. Humans are naturally weak. They are capable of breaking down and crying under pressure. However, humans are only naturally strong. They can prevail and strive under pressure too. It is just a mere choice

Back to the point, what did I dreamed of? Let's just say that I'm strong because I have important people in my life to support me through thick and thin. They are my life line and my reason to fight. What if, somehow, they slowly drift apart? No, not through death or anything abrupt. Just slowing fading away and disappearing no matter how hard you try to hold on. Like holding a fistful of sand and seeing it escape through the cracks between your fingers and when you open them, you can only see just a part of what it used to be.

I'm so far away currently and that by itself is daunting. Everyone I cared is at the other side of the Earth, around 16000km away. I can't see them in person so I need to keep in touch via technology. Soon, 'checking up' became sort of an obsession. I want to know how are you doing. I want to know that you are okay. I want to know that you are doing fine.

Sure, I get busy and soon put it at the back of my mind. Honestly, I got over my waves of homesickness a little while ago and I thought that I was okay. But see, I didn't forget about it. I merely stash it away into the depths of my own subconsciousness.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you might notice that I have this peculiar voice inside my head that is myself and also not myself (Confusing. Yeah, I don't know how it works too) but in a broader sense, I would like to think this voice as myself. Every time when I have my mind free from school and socializing, this voice started to wander, "Hey, I wonder what is he/she doing now?" That question soon escalate into a series of "What if"s. And we all know that 'what ifs' creates anxiety and fear.

That's how I (think) got my panic attack. I am the cause of it

But why?

I don't know for sure. Maybe it is because I choose to be insecure?

Heh.

Throughout my life, I have been struggling with myself without rest. I'm the cause of my success and I'm the cause of my failure. Kinda heavy of a burden eh? But yeah, that is how it is. I am my greatest enemy.

In this case, I choose to be afraid and anxious. Although technically I didn't, a part of me (Or a huge part of me) choose to do just that. To quote a certain failure of a Will Smith movie:

The danger is there but fear is a choice

Which brings me to another question: Will I be okay?

Hm.. tough one but generally, a big fat YES

As weird as it seems, I am better than myself. So, this time I choose to be brave instead.

End word: Always, always, always fight against your inner demons. You are your greatest enemy

Hello Murica!

This is the infamous UMich Bell Tower. Nice right? ITS HAUNTED!

Hello people of the internet! After going through a month of emotional rollercoaster, homesickness and 'kejutan kultural', I am back writing in my now-filled-with-cobwebs personal blog. Kinda weird because I always update my poetry blog but I never had the chance/time to invest idea and creative energy into my beloved nazranvision.

Anyways, I'm in 'Murica. No idea where it is? Okay, I shall speak it more clearly.

A

Me

Ri

Ka

Yes, people. Finally, I'm in United States; land of obesity, the dollar bill and 90% of the western artiste you guys worship on daily basis. Specifically, I'm in the town of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Where is that you might ask? It is 5 hours north of Chicago. Where is Chicago you ask? It is 7 hours east of New york. Where is New York you ask? For god's sake, get an atlas!

Ehem

Anyway, the journey to Ann Arbor, Michigan took around 30 hours including transit, travelling more than 11 hundred miles (Yeah, American system!) and 7 full-length movies...and sleep. 

Why am I here? To party and pick up chicks, of course!

...

...

jk, I'm studying in the University of Michigan. College of LSA, majoring in Economics and planning to double major in Psychology too...or a double degree in business. We shall see how the future unfolds.

It has been almost two weeks here and I like my experience so far. Generally, the people here are more sociable and open to others. Their service is great too. Friends, a plenty though I have trouble finding a genuine close friend yet. (Come on, baru dua minggu. Chill) 

Parties? I've been to a few. Well, duh, not frat or sorority parties with alcohol and weed bongs and orgies. Normal parties with people and music and free finger food that is not actually filling. Parties play an important social aspect of life as a student here. Miss them, then your experience will suck. It is just like mamak sessions in Malaysia...though they don't really carried away until 4am.

How about studies? Well, can't really say much because today is my first day of class. So far, it is enjoyable. Finally taking up Japanese this time. (Yes! Akiba, here I come~~~) Also taking English writing because they don't accept 'Malaysia-standard English. (Heh, good what. Grammar perfect some more. You all is no nothing of this) And last but not least, Calculus II

*cue frightening music*

Yes, I'm not the brightest one for maths and stuff. My basics suck balls but one thing I do enjoy about math is the dissection of normal everyday concepts into numbers and graphs and functions and further dissecting it. It is like looking into the universe around us....naked. 

Ehem.

But I think I can bear with it. Come on, it is 'just' 13 credits. <--Future Nazran won't approve of this. I bet you.

Anyway, I'm finally here. I won't lie when I see I miss Malaysia. I miss the food there. (Seriously, I'm turning into a rabbit here. Salads everytime) I miss the sights. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my Sam. I miss my Panda. I miss my Kyou and Emma (I love you, babe. Please ship yourself to me T_T)

But life goes on. This is a new chapter. A new beginning. A clean slate for me to spray whatever color paint I wish. Total freedom is a gift but also a burden. I'm confident that I will survive this experience 16000 km away from home (Metric system, I miss you) where toilets have no water bidets (I miss you too, bidets) with nothing but a scroll in hand

...

...

...and maybe a slight accent

SLIGHT OKAY.